How 'The Silent Treatment' is Damaging Your Relationship

Giving someone the cold shoulder or the silent treatment after an argument is increasingly common, especially among those involved in a romantic relationship. What many of these couples don’t realize is that this method of showing your anger is utterly toxic for your relationship. When you refuse to discuss a problem and avoid any sort of communication, it only creates frustration and resentment. Dr. John Gottman, marriage researcher, calls this Stonewalling and one of the 4 deadly horseman to relationships. Save your relationship before the silence becomes a living breathing thing and creates too much space between the two of you, and you forget what it was like to be in an open and honest relationship.

Mother holding child’s hand while father turns his back to them.

4 Effects of Silent Treatment:

Passive-Agressive Rage

Often the one administering the silent treatment believes that they are taking the moral high ground by not yelling and screaming, they are wrong. The silent treatment is not a lack of retaliation, in fact, it is a calculated and strategic move designed to hurt the other person and make them feel unworthy of your words. You may not be screaming and shouting, but your silence is packed full of aggression, and is a manifestation of the rage you feel. It is not the absence of a response, but a response itself, one specifically used to manipulate the partner into seeking forgiveness, even if they were right.

The Power Struggle

Ultimately, this is about winning. You are aware that your silence will provoke feelings of guilt. When you are the one reacting, it automatically signals to the other person that they are wrong, and should be begging for your attention and forgiveness. Your partner may respond with full on aggression to combat it, and the argument worsens. Experts call this demand-withdrawal. One partner demands attention from the one who withdraws, making them angrier and more demanding, which causes further withdrawal from the second partner, devolving the relationship into a vicious cycle of hurt and anger.

Strategic Action

The silent treatment is a strategy, and it can result in the other partner feeling unworthy, invisible, and unimportant. You are telling them, without using your words, that they do not matter to you until they apologize. You are portraying yourself as so hurt and upset that you are speechless, when you are actually calculating coldly a strategy to not engage in finding a solution, but rather your partner having to take most of the blame. The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation, much like intentional crying when it is used to make someone feel guilty. Most of all, the silent treatment is a strategy put in place to divert the attention away from what caused the argument, and onto you and your silence.

Their Feelings

It’s important to consider what this does to the other partner. They are angry and upset because of the argument you just had, and they believe that they were not 100% at fault. They are looking for you to explain what they did and why it upset you, but you don’t – instead you retreat into the deadly silence. Your partner cannot read your mind, and they are frustrated because they can’t understand how to resolve the situation. Now there are two arguments; the one you originally had, and also a second one about how you are being unreasonable on finding a solution. You may both get locked into the position that the other person is at fault, and this will begin to erode your relationship and build resentment, which eventually can lead to the end of your relationship.

Remember silence is not a conclusion to the argument, this is a delaying mechanism, and the fight is sure to resurface. If you turn the other way and hunker down on finding a way to resolve, the issue will only resurface or cause more damage to the relationship.

An argument can only be truly resolved when you communicate. Talk openly and honestly, without holding anything back. Discuss your perspective on the situation, and let them discuss theirs. Maybe one of you will see the other person’s view as reasonable, or you will be able to reach a compromise. But this will be done through discussion and honesty. Nothing is solved by the silent treatment, and it’s time to eradicate it from your relationships.

Couple and family therapy can help improve communication and conflict resolution. Give Jennie Marie a call at 310-853-3638.

Essential Communication Skills for Relationships

In a digital age where we’re all constantly connected to each other via technology, and sending large amounts of information on a daily basis, we may think we are effectively communicating with one another. The truth is, however, effective communication isn’t about presenting the other person with information, but about understanding the emotions behind that information. Communicating seems simple enough, but we don’t always realize how often our words and actions are misinterpreted by others, and how often we misinterpret other people. To combat this, we must all put in the conscious effort to cultivate certain skills essential for communicating and building a healthy relationship: 

Couple communicating with each other as they prepare dinner in their kitchen.

Effective Listening Through Reflection

There’s a difference between hearing what someone has to say, and actually listening to what lies beneath those words. One of the most essential communication skills is the ability to effectively listen to another person, and making them feel heard and understood. This creates a safe environment for people to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of consequences and judgment. By listening to someone, you are better able to understand them, and prevent any misunderstandings that may cause conflict later on during the course of the relationship. Most problems can be solved if the other person feels that their feelings are being valued and considered, and allowing them to talk when emotions are running high allows them to calm down. This is why listening is imperative to effective communication. Communicate you understood by reflecting what you heard, if you partner tells you about their day try to summarize and identify the feelings.  For example, “It sounds like you felt like your co-worker was disrespectful today when they commented on your project, this caused you to feel embarrassed and angry.” Not only does this clarify what you heard your partner tell you about their day, but also creates empathy for their situation.  This will help your partner feel cared for and loved when you listen and reflect what you heard them say.

Nonverbal Signals

You don’t just communicate with words; your actions play a huge part in how you are perceived by others, and how affectively you can communicate your feelings. Body language, such as eye contact, blinking, posture, tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures can give off a lot of information about what you are thinking and feeling, letting the other person know a lot, even things you wouldn’t want them to know. For example, if someone is talking and you’re not paying attention, you may be nodding, but your eye movement and facial expression can give you away. You can use this to your advantage and take on positive language, such as open hands, uncrossed arms, maintaining eye contact, nodding and smiling. Not everybody uses their body language to convey the same emotions, however, and cultural differences, age, gender, etc must be taken into account. You can improve on this skill by observing people when you talk to them and trying to gauge their feelings and thoughts just through nonverbal communication.

 Recognizing Stress

 During an argument, or even a conversation, you may become stressed and overwhelmed by your own emotions, causing you to lash out with anger and aggression. It’s important to recognize the signs of oncoming stress, and prevent it from taking control of you. This will help you remain calm and collected during what could have been an emotionally charged situation. By staying calm, you are able to listen and understand what the other person is saying, as well as better convey your own thoughts and feelings. Everything will be clearly talked out and problems can be solved effectively. Before reacting with anger, clarify what you heard. You might find out that is not what your part intended to convey. For example, you could ask “I’m really upset because it sounds like you thought I was an idiot for moving the bills off the desk and onto the chair, but I was only trying to make room to fix your laptop.”  This conveys your emotion, why you did what you did and clarifies what you thought your partner is saying. This will allow your partner to then clarify their position and attempt to move you to a resolution.

These skills are absolutely essential for communication in relationships, as without them, there can be a high level of conflict which may eventually damage and weaken your bond. By applying these skills, you will see a definite improvement in your personal and professional relationships.

Need further help, therapy can teach you better communication tools. Contact Jennie Marie today for a session at www.Hope-Therapy-Center.com

4 Benefits of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy or relationship counseling is a form of psychotherapy that aims to identify and resolve conflicts and challenges that might be the cause of dissatisfaction between two people.

The most defining four benefits of couples therapy are:

Improved Communication

One of the biggest benefits opting for couples therapy is the improved communication between the two partners. Conflict often arises when either or both the parties are unable to effectively communicate to their partner their deepest wants and needs. Therapy aims to teach both the partners to be more open and honest with one another, establish stronger communication and increase conflict resolution - how to fight right. What’s more, it encourages you to actively listen to what your partner has to say in a calm and collected manner. Finally, couples therapy can help your uncover communication patterns that are destructive to the relationship and replace them with healthy forms of communication.

Better Understanding

By teaching couples how to strengthen their communication skills, therapy also aids in allowing better understanding. When there is a lack of adequate communication, there is a lack of understanding that eventually leads to an emotional disconnect. Therapy can help increase understanding of each others point of view in a way that enables them to effectively realize their partners desires/wishes, worries/concerns, and wants/expectations in a more empathetic manner.

Increased Emotional Intimacy

Unresolved, festering conflicts can drive a serious wedge between couples. Therapy and relationship counseling teaches couples to rediscover one another. Moreover, it allows the couple to repair their somewhat battered emotional and physical connection. By removing the distresses that separate them, therapy allows couples the opportunity to increase emotional intimacy for a deeper connection. Increasing deeper emotional intimacy and increase positive physical intimacy as well.

 Moving Past Lingering Negative Feelings

While most couple still have strong emotional ties to one another, unresolved conflicts tend to overwhelm those emotional bonds to the point that it can feel impossible to reconcile. Therapy can help uncover negativity and unresolved conflicts that has festered and lingered to the point that the relationship has broken down and feelings of love and respect have dwindled. Therapy teaches couples how to understand, accept, and forgive in order to let go of the past and instead focus on the present. This can restore and renew feelings of love and passion for your partner.

3 Tips to Improve Communication

Many clients who come into my office often report “communication” being an area they would like to work on. Improving communication in relationships is often at the top of the “problems” list for many couples. 

Communication is a complicated system.  It is not simply the words spoken, but the interchange of messages between two people.  Communication is defined as “the imparting or exchanging of information or news”. This does not mean one person does all the talking and the other is silent.  This does not mean that one person is “right” and the other must be “wrong”.  Communication is two people working together exchanging information. 

Here is one client’s story:

Couple with problems communicating stand against wall in silence.

“My husband and I don’t communicate well.  I try to tell him what I’m feeling, and instead he ends up arguing with me about the specifics of the conversations.  No I didn’t say that, well you said this- so I had to respond to that… and so on.  He never hears what I’m trying to say.  Whenever I start talking about why I was irritated with him, he launches into attack mode with all the things I’ve done wrong in the last 24 hours.”

Improving communication is a very common struggle for couples, principles of communication can be applied to parent/child relationships or friend/friend relationships. 

Think of communication similar to a dance.  If one dance partner is out of sync with the other the dance doesn’t flow.  If one dance partner tries to take over and go their own way, the dance fails again.  Communicating with your partner is dancing together. 

In the scenario above, when the wife is expressing her feelings she feels like she’s not being heard.  However, maybe the husband is hearing his wife’s hurt feelings as an attack on his character.  While feeling attacked the husband launches his attack, and the communication dance fails. 

This communication with teens is challenging for parents.  When your teen feels comfortable enough to share their feelings, its very easy for a parent to jump in and try to fix the situation.  Again, one dance partner tries to take over and the communication falls apart.  Your teen may become defensive and withdrawn because you “don’t understand them”. 

What can we do to improve our communication dance?

While there are many techniques and strategies to improve communication, here are 3 simple tips you can use today to help you improve your communication skills. 

  • Use “I feel” statements - Many times in an argument it’s easy to say “You do this…” or “You did that”.  That automatically puts the individual on the defensive and they’ve stopped hearing what you’re saying.  I feel statements speak from your perspective.  It isn’t an attack on the other person, you are merely stating your feelings.

Here are some examples of I feel statements:

“I feel frustrated when you interrupt me mid-sentence”

“I feel embarrassed when you tease me in front of our friends”

“I feel loved the most, when you make me breakfast on the weekends”

  •  Reflective listening - This may seem a little robotic when you first begin to practice it but it is a great way to make sure that the message being said is the one you are hearing. Have you ever played the game Telephone? The game where you start whispering a message from one person to another, and the last person in the circle says it out loud? Very often the original message is mixed up along the way.  This happens very frequently in the communication process.  To practice reflective listening, one partner begins with a sentence.  The second partner listens to the message and repeats it back to the first partner.  Then the first partner confirms if that message is correct.  Keep in mind, we can often hear things incorrectly. 

Example hearing correctly:

Partner 1: “I feel anxious when you make financial decisions without me”

Partner 2: (reflecting back) When I make financial decision without you, it makes you feel anxious”

Partner 1: “Yes you heard me correctly”.

 Example hearing incorrectly:

 Partner 1: “I feel anxious when you make financial decisions without me.”

Partner 2: “You don’t trust me to make decisions on my own."

Partner 1: “No, that’s not what I said.  I trust your decision making process, but I do feel anxious when decisions are made without me."

  • Avoid the Kitchen Sink  - Have you ever heard the expression, everything but the kitchen sink? You want to avoid bringing everything into your conversation when you are practicing your communication skills.  My first client example shows that when the husband feels threaten he brings in all the wrong-doings of the wife. It’s very important to stay on the topic at hand.  Remember, you are wanting to exchange information, but information gets lost when you try to handle too much at one time.  When the wife wants to talk about how she’s feeling, it’s important for the husband to stay with that until the issue has been resolved.  By throwing in all of the wife’s wrong-doings, the husband may be communicating he has some needs that are not being address.  It will be important to address his needs as well, just not in the middle of the other conversation.  In the heat of an argument this can be very difficult to do.  If you find yourself too upset to communicate effectively, take a break and come back to the conversation when you feel calm.  This will allow you to slow the conversation down so you can address one issue at a time.

Working on communication is not a singular event.  It is not item to check off on your to do list as a concept accomplished.  Communication takes work among many people in your life.  You may have developed a great communication dance with your partner, but struggle with your boss or teenage son.  Maybe it is easy for you to use “I feel” statements, but it is more challenging for you to Avoid the Kitchen Sink.  To start making changes in your communication skills start with one idea and try to focus on just that for one week.  After that week, try to incorporate another. 

If you and your partner need help with communication, contact us today!

Our Burbank Therapy office has warm, caring and experienced therapists that provides an opportunity to resolve your old patterns and learn new skills to help you dance more effectively together.

Photo by JD Mason

The Day I Said "Yes"

The day I said “yes” seems like so long ago now. He said, “Will you marry me?” and I said, “Yes”. It was a moment I’ll never forget. A moment that literally took my breath away. I did not know it was coming, and was stunned that the man I loved most in the world asked me to be his wife. It’s been 8 years now, and I wonder if I even still know that woman who said “yes”. A young 23 year old, I had a full time job and a furry cat named Emmy. As a couple we were drunk with love. Our weekends were spent out with friends, or traveling away for a long weekend. We were young. We were naive. We were in love.

Wedding rings on a dictionary with word and definition of marriage.

Tonight I got to witness a couple getting engaged.  Watching the reaction of the bride-to-be scream with excitement and cry with joy-   made a few little butterflies flutter in my stomach, and a single tear fall from my eyes.  If I dust off the cobwebs maybe I can remember what it was like to say “yes”. 

Life has changed so much since that single moment.  Mortgages, dogs, vacations, job changes, and children have all changed my husband and I in ways we never expected.  Of course we still love each other, but love now seems so different than the love of saying “yes”.  Today’s love is waking up early to make my husband lunch so he doesn’t get too busy and forget to eat at work.  Today’s love is staying up late and ironing his shirt for the big important meeting tomorrow.  Today’s love is a midnight run to the grocery store to pick up diapers because we accidentally ran out.  Today’s love is take out and movie at home. 

The girl that said “yes” still exists, she’s just changed.  She’s older, wiser, and knows that real love is the work of each day.  When I said my vows so many years ago I promised to love for better or for worse.  But I had no idea what those words meant.  I had no idea of the “for worse” that would come our way.  I innocently thought our love would be different.  We were in love, and that would be enough to carry us through whatever life would send. 

We do have love.  It has carried us through.  But love takes work.  It’s hard.  It needs time.  Commitment.  It takes two people looking at each other at the end of the saying, “I wouldn’t want to go through it with anyone else but you”.  It takes patience.  Forgiveness.  Love now is a verb.  It is action.  Love is doing not just being.  It’s important to go back and remember the girl who said “yes” and the butterflies felt that day.  It is the foundation from which our marriage started.  Saying “yes” was the beginning of an incredible journey.  Not every day is glamorous.  Not every day is it easy to love.  But remembering the girl who said “yes”, helps me remember why it’s all worth it.  All of it.  

Have you forgotten about the day you said "yes"? Have you lost the spark for your romance? Hope Therapy Center can help you find ways to ignite the initial spark and strengthen your relationship.

Photo by Sandy Millar

Keeping Romance Alive After Kids

Think back to your first date with your spouse. Ok, maybe you don't remember the first date but think back to the early days of your relationship when you were in the beginning stages of dating. Where did you go? What did you do? How long did you prepare for the date- how much planning was involved? Ladies- how long did you spend getting ready for that important date? In the beginning there is a lot of thought and preparation into dating. You work hard to put your best foot forward and make a good impression. But once the newness of the marriage wears off and kids arrive, your dating life with your spouse can tank.

A friend of mine recalls, " I remember going out on a date with my husband before we got married.  I got up and ready for my normal day.  Went about my activities, then back home to get ready from scratch for our date.  I started with a fresh shower, new hair blow dry, and then hours discussing wardrobe choices with my roommate. Flash forward to now and our life doesn't look anything like the "good o'le days".  With jobs, and kids, and the roller coaster of life- we just do not have the resources or flexibility to go out like we used to.  Some days it takes all we can to make it through dinner with the kids, baths, story, bedtime, before we both fall asleep in front of the tv at 9:00pm. A date, ha I wouldn't even know where or how we would fit that into our lives now that we have kids. However, I love my husband I want to learn how to date him again." 

Romantic couple kissing in silhouette on the beach at sunset.

After having children, it's so easy to let romance go by the wayside.  Chances are you are both tired (possibly sleep deprived), stressed with life's many obstacles, and the last thing you think of is romance.  However, it's the little romantic things you can do that will keep your marriage going strong.  When was the last time you brought your wife a bouquet of flowers- just because? In this day and age- a grocery store bouquet can sometimes be the cost of your weekly Starbucks bill.  When was the last time you had dinner just the two of you- no children? If your answer to these questions is an honest "I don't know" it's time to make some changes. "Date night" still counts if you grab Subway sandwiches and drive to the coast to watch the sunset or after the kids are in bed throw out a blanket on the floor and sit and eat dinner without the tv and enjoy each other's company. Do not limit yourself to think that a "date night" has to cost a lot of money.

Romance after children can often feel like the battle of Gettysburg-each side waiting for the other to make the first move.  

Husband: Why do I even try when nothing I do is ever good enough? 

Wife: Why should I be the one to make the first move-HE'S the one that needs to show me he loves me. 

If both partners constantly wait for the other one to make the first move, you could go years without romance and a distance could grow between you.  In these situations its best to be the first one to wave the white flag. Be the one to make the first move.  I've found that a romantic gesture- even a small one- can be enough to soften both parties and allow the space for romance to return.

Remember those early first dates.  Remember those people- who they were, what they wanted in life. Remember what brought the two of you together, and look for the little ways to bring "those people" into the present day. Romance does not have to be about gifts, or dinners, or champagne and limo rides.  Romance is about saying I love you.  I need you.  I value you. I miss you.

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

3 Tips to Resolving Conflict in Relationships

My Grandmother always said "Kiss me Goodnight Rich" - this was her way of telling Grandpa, she wanted to resolve the conflict.

In a healthy relationship, conflict is bound to arise from time to time, because two people cannot be expected to agree and work cohesively all the time.

If dealt with properly, conflict can provide an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, but when mismanaged, conflict can deteriorate a relationship and make it weaker.

It’s important to understand and learn the skills associated with conflict resolution, in order to manage it properly and come out on the other end with a stronger bond than before.

Here’s how you can effectively resolve conflict in your relationships:

Always Kiss Me Goodnight framed wall art.

Understand the Cause

Conflicts are based on disagreements concerning values, ideas, principles, and opinions. At the root of every conflict there is a difference of needs. Both parties want their needs to satisfied, whether their need is validation, safety, intimacy, support, or respect. When you understand this, you can see that the needs of both involved parties must be met in order to maintain a strong long-term relationship. This will allow you to look at the situation a second time, this time in an environment of compassion, love, and mutual support.  This is how a compromise is reached and a conflict is resolved.

 Recognize Your Own Fear

If you are terrified and threatened by just the thought of a conflict and try to avoid it all costs, you may be damaging your relationship by doing so. The truth is, previous conflicts from other relationships that ended badly may be governing your fear of future conflicts, and so, you go into it thinking that it will be awful and will end terribly. This makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy; if you decide in your mind that it will play out negatively, you will do nothing to steer it in a positive direction because you are certain that the negative vibes have a right to be there. When conflict seems more threatening to you than it actually is, it leads to mismanagement. This feeds your fear, and it allows you to see conflict as humiliating, demoralizing, and more terrifying than it was before. You need to go into thinking that it will okay, and you must train yourself to let go of your fear.

Control Emotion and Stress

Even something trivial can trigger an emotional response which makes the conflict larger than it was. Your reactions play a very important part in how that conflict is resolved. Often, in the midst of a heated argument, people say hurtful things and prey on each other’s weaknesses just to prove a point. This does nothing but exacerbate the situation, and leads to longer conflict time. Avoiding hurtful and disrespectful arguments almost always leads to faster resolution. Let go of the stress and don’t let your emotions take over; by staying calm during an argument you can see both sides of the story much more clearly.  Once you look at it more practically and calmly, a solution will present itself to you. It’s important to understand that all healthy relationships have their fair share of conflict, and you just need to be patient, and communicate openly in order to resolve it.

It’s important to understand that all healthy relationships have their fair share of conflict, and you just need to be patient, and communicate openly in order to resolve it. 

Need help learning how to resolve conflicts and communicate effectively in your relationship? Contact Jennie Marie.